Playing with fire

It's strange, but it's been a long time since I managed to set fire to any part of myself. It's happened again but somewhat differently to my long past with things that burn. My first memories are of the paraffin heater (kerosene to left pondians) that warmed the bathroom in the house where I grew up. I managed to reverse into this vertical heater one evening and my behind was branded with a number of bars. After the usual howls , medication and bandages, I was put into bed and my elder brother came into the room and announced that now I might have a useful career using my bum as sheet music as it was clear I had no other future. Five bars and four spaces.
I owe him a lot.

Later on, as I grew up on a smallholding with chickens, geese, ducks, sheep and calves there was endless possibilities with such wonderful things as diesel, petrol, fuel oil, sodium chlorate and calcium carbonate. They all made such amazing experiences when mixed and cajoled in the right proportions. Luckily we had enough land and understanding neighbours that a few large explosions went unremarked but not unnoticed. How my Mother survived it all I cannot tell.
When I attended Grammar School , the well equipped chemistry laboratories and the military training (including amouries) increased my horizons. Eventually, the local constabulary in the unlikely guise of the borough sergeant persuaded me that I should find another hobby. By then I had started to notice that girls were increasingly interesting and I began my life long quest of examining female breasts up close and in detail. Damn sight more interesting than milking cows.
My last experience was with a wound I suffered visiting our local co-op for the normal Thursday shopping of good things organic. Unluckily, the local dog took a dislike and left me bleeding badly. It has healed but today I was due to rebuild the main gate and fence and do some painting and covered it with gauze and bandages. Having finished, I carefully cleaned the brushes and myself with white spirit.(Stoddard solvent to left pondians). I then sat back with the air of a job well done, contemplated my gauze covered left hand and then lit a cigarette. The rest I will leave to your imagination.

Local disturbances.

Round the corner where we live there was a clash between local Arabs and our own home grown fascists. The Eggheads passed on this one having sniffed enough tear gas in our life. While I fully support their right to march wherever they like I also fully support peoples rights to throw rotten eggs and jeer.

Failed bomb atack

The bomb planted in a shopping mall in Haifa came as a shock. Relief that no one was hurt but very worrying. It's where we go to the cinema. Rumour has it that this was claimed by a group of Israeli-Arabs which is horrible to contemplate.

Israel

Watching a new government being formed in Israel is like being stoned to death with popcorn. It just so drags on and on until you wish it was all over, whatever the outcome. Bibi has another two weeks to form his personalized Israeli version of Lehi (Stern Gang for Anglos) in a brave attempt to form a government that will rebel against itself, consider itself an occupying power, revolt, build settlements and hang the consequences. Personally, although I like the idea of a historical recreation society I would prefer it to be be amateurs at weekends rather than the State of Israel.
It would be so more civilised if Israel invited the Brits for a second go and then , even the Arabs and Jews could unite in hatred of the foreign invaders.

Amos Oz

Amos Oz may be a dangerous radical to a lot of Israelis. He's a hero to me and the interview in the link above may explain why. So I dedicate this post to Toni and wish her many happy returns of the day and if Mrs E can ever manage to escape from her students we will be there.

At the age of 14, Oz has written: "I killed my father and the whole of Jerusalem, changed my name, and went on my own to Kibbutz Hulda to live there over the ruins."

Unemployed and cheerful

I had to go and confirm my unemployment some time this month. I also had to visit my local tax office both of which errands did not fill me with delight. It went quite well. First my neighbour lent me her car. I turned up at the local employment office, went to a machine, typed in my ID number, placed my right forefinger on a fingerprint pad and , hey presto, in Russian and Hebrew it said thanks for coming, now you can go home and thoughtfully printed a receipt with the time and date. Only once a month, not too onerous.
The tax office was equally pleasant. Got to the right floor, a helpful man gave me a ticket number and I walked straight into an office with a nice lady who processed the forms, gave me two copies of another form, one to be sent and another for the files and wished me a pleasant day.

So, Government bureaucracy is reasonable efficient. The private insurance company however that deals with my compensation, pension etc deserve to be burnt to the ground and the smoldering ruins sewn with salt and the dismembered bodies of the employees nailed to posts as a warning.

ID cards

ID cards. Bits of things that law abiding citizens carry and criminals forge. When I first came to Israel I had a valid UK passport and I was given an Israeli ID card followed a year later with a full Israeli passport. Since then, I have experienced a lot of alternative ideas. In my early hunt for work I found out that an Israeli ID card is available for around 1500 shekels in the shadowy places around Tel Aviv. My own current Israeli ID card has an imperfect photo of myself rotated 100 degrees and looking slightly bewildered. Another washing machine cycle I guess.

Mrs E lost her ID card last year when her handbag was stolen on a bus. She hasn't bothered to replace it relying instead on her passport and bus pass. The 110 shekels fee for a new one is just not that good an offer. My UK passport has expired and I feel the 800 shekels fee for renewal can wait for a while. My Israeli passport is good for a bit. You may be asking what is the point of all this rambling, why am I whinging about what we are told is a vital tool in the fight against terrorism, identity theft and general mayhem?

• I have taken my daughter across three national boundaries with an out of date passport.
• Mrs E blagged her way back into Israel with only her army discharge papers.
• I imported expensive band equipment into the USA with nothing but a smile and a letterhead.
• My last trip to California resulted in a security team more interested in fruit than explosives.
• My only trip in a private plane to the continent met no more serious obstacle than the customs officer trying very hard to avoid the vomit from my inebriated friend.
• My last overland trip from France did not involve any ID check at all. Counting the booze and cigs were considered far more important.
  

Yes, there is a point. The Israeli ID system is laughable but about what it needs. The proposed UK ID system is doomed to fail from the start. As various Home Secretaries have stated, it will not reduce crime , do little or nothing to help the fight against terrorists and will have little impact on identity theft or social security fraud. It will, however, cost around 18 billion UK pounds.

Unemployment

We have a chicken processing factory where I live. It is not terribly popular with the locals due to the smell of , well, what you get when you slaughter chickens, pluck them and gut them. The local council have tried for years to move it to the other side of the main road where all the other industrial sites are. Now however, it's going to be closed with the loss of 200 jobs. The workforce are not happy and have come out on strike. Passing today, I noticed camera crews and a frantic workforce torching a skip full of what I hope were dead chickens.
Most of the workforce are local Arab Israelis and will find it very hard to find another job around these parts. I do hope things will improve as it seems to get worse every day.

Israel and politics

Mrs E switches the radio off more frequently then she used to. It is very curious that we've just had an election and nobody knows who's in charge. I do try and cheer her up by pointing out if Leiberman does become Foreign Minister it will be a saving on the ministerial travel budget as he won't be going abroad. This fails to comfort her for some reason.

Wet and wet

It started raining here 'up North' on Friday and apart from a few gaps, continued to rain. There was occasional hail, regular lightning and thunder. The Eggheads stayed home.
It the mean time, the situation stays the same. More rockets down south, more bickering over who should be in the government.