How calm

Things sure are quiet around here. Very quiet.

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The scene

Picture the scene. Mrs E. and I are lying next to the Jordan in a delightful place nicknamed 'Rob Roy'. hardly anyone around. The young lady running the place made us welcome, said help yourself to coffee, please wash up afterward. We settle down with a coffee and books quietly listening to the children playing in the river and the sound of the wind in the trees.

Then, from nowhere, two large motorbikes roll into the compound, with exhausts burbling. The leather clad riders carefully back the bikes into our shaded area and bring them onto the carpet. We had to move.

They removed the helmets and the leathers and Mrs E. speaks.

"You're from Tel-Aviv, aren't you?"

"Yes.. how did you know".

"Because you're crass and insensitive."

State: Situation in north not war -

Thousands of displaced Israeli citizens responded with relief to the news that the Israeli High court of Justice has declared that the situation in the North of Israel is not a 'war'.

Happy citizens demonstrated in the streets as they started to pack for the journey North. Ofrah, a resident of Carmiel said "How could I have so stupid? All those bangs and booms didn't mean a war at all. Now I can take my children home, back to summer school and we don't have to worry any more."

Legal experts hasten to add than when they say 'not a war', they don't mean 'not a war' as in 'not a very large series of gut shaking explosions right next to your house or on it'. They mean ' not a war' as in 'not a real war that might mean we have do do something about it kind of war'.

Glad that's sorted out then.

Back where we belong

We had a nice mini break in Ha'On next to the Kinneret in the South East area. No sirens. It wasn't very busy just one large party from Carmiel. Very nice doing nothing for 24 hours.

Escalation

In a surprise move Israel has deployed a new weapon on the Israel-Lebanon front. Although banned by international treaties, a whole division of Yiddisher Mammas was parachuted behind enemy lines at 22::0 GMT.
An ashen faced Hezbollah soldier lying on a stretcher said "It was horrible. She went through my laundry and then checked my cellphone records. I mean... really.. she's fixed me up with Fatima from the North. This sort of thing should banned."

Dozens of casualties spoke of the trauma of having been interrogated for hours about why they didn't get a proper job yet and 'what's all this computer stuff anyway'. Medics moved around providing drips and anti stress toys while badly injured fighters recovered from trauma inflicted by heavily armoured Jewish Grandmothers with the latest in high tech sarcasm.

We interrupt this broadcast due to IDF ^Z ....^f eol .... linebreak.........................

Conversation

This is workplace. Names have been changed to protect the guilty. Joy is an Anglo staying away with two kids. I'm the Goy. Sarit is another Anglo. Ilena is a very attractive Russian, the object of much hidden work lust. Mr M. is a local Russian guy.

Joy: Hey Goy, how's it going?

Goy: Fine thanks. Only two sirens today.

Joy: I'm worried about my office plants as I haven't been there for a while. Could you ask Ilena to water them please?

Goy: Sure: Can't I do it?

Joy: No way. You would so kill those things and if that happened I will come back to work and kill you too and then slaughter your entire family,

Goy: Fine, I'll ask Ilena

Small pause as the sirens go. Distant crumps. We head upstairs.

Goy: Ilena , Joy asked me to ask you if you could water the plants in Joy's office.

Ilena: (Look blank - burst of very fast Russian). No

Goy: Oh, .... why not.

Mr M: (a onstage actor who can speak all three langauges) helps out.

Ilena: Her office is in the wrong place and anyway, I didn't like what she said about child raising when we were at the exhibition in 2002.

(We're Russian and English at this point)

Goy: (thinks - I am in such deep shit now). Ok

Various alarums offstage.

Mr G, Mr M and I consult. We could move the plants two floors down where the caretaker know Mr M. Mr G. said his wife would look after them but she's moved to Hadera.

We move upstairs. At this point Sarit passes us by with a watering can and a withering look on her face.

Still vertical and breathing

I got it so wrong about givus.org. It is genuine, just badly marketed and written. Go ahead if you want to.

A very quiet night except for people further North. I am so looking forward to doing nothing at all.

Break

I am going to the beach to chill out. Then I am going home, discuss with Mrs E. about where we should go for the weekend and I am going to forget about everything until next week. Well, except for the interviews this weekend. I'll still be in Israel whatever happens. This is my home, Goy though I am.

Hizbullah sending text messages to Israelis?

Info warfare, 21st century style. Battling with SMS messages is so Generation XXtx.

Sounds again

Our local main siren has an interesting way of tailing off when it's starting to stop - well, I hope you get what I mean. When the strident , urgent , 'get shelter now ' sounds have finished it winds down in a burbly, whumplifyy sound that reminds me of an old man falling to sleep after having complained loudly about something.

No news really

You've probably , almost certainly read the same news I did so I won;t comment. The younger E. headed south today to visit old chums in a kibbutz near Eilat. The other E's will be doing other things this weekend. I did drive via downtown Haifa this morning and now I understand what Ha'Aretz meant by 'extensive damage'. Lucky hit from the people up North.

Various relatives rang last night. The Israeli one , ex paratrooper was very concerned. Not easy to describe what's going on.

Scam

If you get an email that includes "An Israeli software company have developed a free, safe and useful tool for us - the Internet Megaphone.

Please go to www.giyus.org, download the Megaphone, and you will receive daily updates with instant links to important internet polls, problematic articles that require a talk back, etc. "

Just don't. It's a scam of course. Bastards.

Chayyei Sarah

Her last post made me laugh. Go read it, she writes much better than I ever will.

Eating

The stress level has been higher than normal here due to the virtual complete closure of all the decent eating places. One local place opened for a sort of takeaway service and is doing it's best. We can't sit there and the only way in is through the kitchen, for reasons that are not apparent.

Standing outside, having a smoke break and carefully studying the sky, a car draws up. In it is the owner of a eating place on the other side of the industrial park, a favourite of mine as the architecture is so much better there. "We're open he says brightly. Only sandwiches and salads for now. "

"Wonderful, I said. Look forward to it".

Fedex are delivering as well. We crawl back to a semblence of normality.

Day 21257

It's the twenty one thousandth, two hundred and fifty seventh day of the Middle East crisis. In case you're wondering , that's the number of days since May 14th 1948. It has never really stopped.

The sound of war

There is a difference in the sound. Sometimes, when they hit it's a dull,low thud kind of sound. Depending on the distance and the weather it can be a boom. This morning, it was a double boom as the sound echoed off the hills.

Snail mail

I'd not given the postal service any thought over the last few days, weeks or however long it's been. At workplace, we just had a shedload of mail arrive in one large indigestible lump. With the normal remorseless efficiency of mindless computer billing systems, the bill, reminder and final demand all arrive together. Of course.

Negatives

I won't be blogging about sirens and bangs anymore. It's not news. Perhaps if there's a extended period of calm I might mention the fact but otherwise I'm just going to comment on what I see with my own eyes.

Life in the North

I was out and about during the last alert. I pulled over and wondered what I should do next. I thought about getting out and seeking shelter but the local factories seemed very closed. So, I stayed in the car and observed my fellow citizens as they went about their business. A few drivers stopped, most carried on. The pedestrians appeared to carry on walking. A local kiosk stayed open with one customer outside pouring himself another drink from what looked like vodka.

Very weird.

Life in Haifa

I drove via the main part of Haifa this morning rather than the southerly route I normally take. Traffic was light but made up for quantity with its usual aggressiveness. The fields were being irrigated with those enormous machines that walk down the rows dropping water as they go. Kiosks were open with a few people on the streets. Like normal I suppose. The city is still there and isn't going away anytime soon. I got a text message from Deep Falafel. Things are a 'bit sticky' but otherwise OK. He's been talking to a Brit for too long.

Knesset to debate: is it a war or not?

I find the apparent fact that members of the Knessset can find time to debate about ' is this a war or something else' almost breathtaking. President Truman may have decided that the Korean War was a 'police action' in order to avoid Congress having anything to do with it. Speaking from the North of Israel, this is a war and I want my country to win. MK Menahem Ben-Sasson seems to be as ignorant of history as he is of common sense.

Boom, bang, wail

Sirens and bangs. Less than yesterday though.

Hezbollah introduces new weapon

Tension mounts as the Hezbollah, desperate to contain the ongoing Israeli onslaught threatens for the first time to use one of the most fearsome weapons in it's arsenal - the Surface-to-Humus Missile.

High Yield Low Grade Hummus Warhead. Nasty stuff.

This horrendous weapon not only tracks Humus plates, a popular dish throughout the Zionist Entity, as its primary target but also carries a high-yield-low-grade humus warhead which immediately sprays a blob of humus within a 20 meter radius.

The devastating effects of the hummus warhead include:

• Stomach ache
• Extreme explosive diarrhea
• Brain Hemorrhaging
• Constant Constipation

Quiet

Very quiet so far in the North. Reminds me of the joke:

A man lived in an apartment where the next door neighbour had an annoying evening routine. The neighbour would come home late, take one boot off and throw it against the wall. A few minutes later, he'd throw the other one.

One night, the neighbour came home later than usual and tired and emotional. He removed one boot and threw it against the wall falling asleeep just as he did so.

In the wee small hours of the morning, there was a hammering on the wall as his neighbour shouted "For God's sake, throw the other boot!"

Sirens

Here we go again...

Haaretz Flash News

On this list of the various news items, there's one that quotes Dan Halutz, the IDF chief of staff as saying'For every Haifa attack, troops will strike 10 south Beirut houses'. Ummm, no thanks. They're supposed to stop the rockets. Bombing houses does not achieve this. I don't equate revenge with safety.

Still, just words as usual.

Two Qassam rockets land in Sderot; no report of injuries

Haifa may be getting it in the next but the Gazans are still firing.

Getting tired

You can see it on people's faces - that rather drawn look. The slower than usual reponse. Thanks to everyone who invited the Eggheads down South. We're staying put. I did read in Ha'Aretz today that people who've stayed away from work due to the situation won't get paid. That doesn't sound right.

More alarms

I'm getting tired of this. Up and down those damn stairs all day long.

Peretz: 2,200 rockets fired at Israel so far - News from Israel, Ynetnews

That seems quite a lot. Note to IDF. Aren't you supposed to put a stop to this? Just asking. No criticism intended.

Haifa: Man killed in rocket attack

We heard the sirens, went downstairs just in time to hear ten booms. Not near us but one hit a house killing a man and injuring others.

Update: Two dead. We had a second alarm but no rockets.

Interview

I got an email asking for an interview with a radio station is the States. How kind.

BloggingBeirut.com

Nice blog from Beirut. Mrs E. wanted to go to the demo against the war today but Tel Aviv is too far away right now and Haifa isn't safe. I wouldn't go though. We've agreed to disagree on this issue.

Over a hundred today

None near us though. Nahariya got quite a few. Sirens have been sounding.

Busy people

They are trying hard, them people up North. As it's very dry at this time of year, we get fires. A lot of them. Ah well. More noises. The E's are going to get some shuteye as best we can.

Updates

A quiet evening, a very noisy night with various aircraft doing their thing , followed by sirens and bangs later in the morning. It's sweaty here.

Independent Online Edition > Middle East

Just a small hole , true enough. Hell of a bang though.

Updates

The Chief of Staff is talking right now. Essentially, the IDF is doing it's best, hit launchers etc. Now, it's going to be a very serious ground war. Would any F16/F15 pilot like to comment?

Army set to call up thousands of reservists; IAF planes pound Lebanon's main road link to Syria - Haaretz - Israel News

Some wounded in the hits today. I would like to emphasise, in very strong words, to the American company that owns mine, do not keep asking people to travel to the States for a meeting right now. We can't.

Bugger

Just bugger, bugger, bugger. BANG! I will not say where.

Boom....bang

Big debate this morning about the war. Mrs E. and I covered a lot. We're taking a rest now and ignoring the booms further North.

Four soldiers killed in clashes with Hezbollah; thousands of IDF troops in Lebanon - Haaretz - Israel News

So now it's turning into a ground war. Ah well. No alarms or rockets here though.

It's changing.....

So here's another frog joke.

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!'

AbbaGav

Go read AbbaGav and lighten up. In the meantime, here's a joke.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.


The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "Elegant
Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my
sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with
my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes,
bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so."


That night, the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of
lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and
shallot cream sauce.

Police: No rockets fell in Haifa

Whilst strictly true, reporting a negative seems strange. No, there were no rockets in and around Haifa today. Yet.

It's Thursday?

What a week. Still, the poor sods in Lebanon have it a hundred times worse. We slept the whole night for once, not like our receptionist who was in and out of shelters. Her family finally decided to bunk down next to an interior wall and hope for the best.

Nazareth: 2 children killed in rocket barrage - News from Israel, Ynetnews

So, you think Israel has been disproportionate. Come here and listen to what the Israeli Arabs have to say. It's come to the end of a really, really shitty day. I'm running out of words....

Noises offstage

Here we go again....

Near miss

Mrs E. was having her hair done in a town near where we live and saw a Katusha come down. Only started a brush fire though.

Nice picture

I shamelessly stole this from the NY Times. Sorry guys. That's my tax money heading North.

Zelzal-2

A new word for you all. Earthquake. I'm a bit dubious though.

More

More bangs from the North. The Eggheads at home report explosions as well.

Israel IDF Home Front Command Civil Defense News Lebanon Gaza Katushas

The Israel Home Command web site has excellent news in Hebrew but to date , the English site was empty. Thanks to some volunteers, it was translated and now it appears that they're up to speed.

Snafu

Sirens sounded just now. Everybody was busy eating and ignored them. Power seems to be back in the North.

Deep Falafel

Poor guy is getting some serious ribbing about not being called up. He's decided to stop doing reserve duty and start to learn how to be a cross dresser.

One work colleague took his family south and commutes from there. He has two young kids so that's sensible. Anyway, a rocket hit the end of his street yesterday. When we listened to his story someone piped up 'So, did it frighten the Arab who lives in your house now?". Israeli black humour.

Haifa: 5 people lightly injured by rockets - News from Israel, Ynetnews

Five injured from that last salvo. If I could find that red-light jumper I'd make it six.

More

Very close this time. Very, very close. I was outside having a smoke when the first one hit. Yes, right by the protected area. Covered by blast walls. Who says smoking kills?

No sirens at all this time. Not even five minutes later. As there are power cuts in the area, not surprising I suppose. Israel is a bit short of power right now.

Maxim

No, not the lad's magazine. The restaurant slightly north of here that does a mean falafel and was the site of a very nasty suicide bombing a couple of years ago. The ownere has decided to open for business as usual after being very moved by Ehud Olmerts speech to the Knesset.

We're all Israelis now he said. The owner is an Israeli-Arab.